30 LIFE LESSONS from the EX- Periment

We have had exes, men that came in our lives , incarnating our ideal at that time & who appeared to Be more a character coming from our worst nightmares for  some, others appeared to be more friends than life partners & for the majority of them, it was a pure mismatch , nothing that time or a major revolution could have improved in any ways. The so charming appeared to be so narcissistic, the open minded showed  his awfully possessive face, the party animal made it clear that he wanted to party but alone, the Perfect Bachelor had two wives & 9 kids (thanks to Ovation magazine & their coverage of society weddings), & the list goes on & on & on…I am sure you can complete with me.

Whether Ex-flirts, Ex-Boyfriends, Ex-Chaser , & even Ex-husband, let’s learn not to hate or keep grudge . No matter how hard they might have hurt me, (I must have hurt some of them too obviously), It took me time to free myself  from pain, anger & even some sort of feeling close to hate, ( I somewhat felt humiliated in some situations, I will spare you the ugly details, but I am sure we all went  through that). But in the end I am soo grateful to those who came in my life as a lesson teaching thingz & being part of my journey & in the creation process of the being I am today . So just do your best to work on yourself, heal from your unseen scars , pick up your life, put your pieces together & whenever you feel ready ,  move on to  living your own history.

LESSON 1– People don’t change & you won’t change them no matter how much you love them OR EVEN HOW MUCH THEY LOVE YOU. Fact.

LESSON 2– Be Independent as much as you can , work hard, have an income of your own, & count on yourself no matter how rich your husband or your parents could be. Other people’s money is their money.

LESSON 3– Boyz will always be boys. So they will always like their male gathering, enjoy going out without you & that won’t mean they don’t love you.

LESSON 4– There is a difference between lust, infatuation & love. A man in lust will lose interest if he doesn’t get what he want, an infatuated man is just a lost bobo looking for a fling, whereas a man in love (Real love), will do what it takes to respect the courtship rules & make you happy.

LESSON 5– A man can fall out of love & interest even after 40 years & 6 kids , there is nothing wrong for them about that.  So if Love is dead for him, & you are not in a fighting mood , have a plan B,C & D.

LESSON 6-A man in love with someone else when he is with you can be wicked. Fact. So read through the lines.

LESSON 7-Seeking revenge will hurt you more & make you look like a fool. The guy is happy with someone else so try & be happy with yourself.

LESSON 8-Possessive insecure Jealous guys always picture you having an adventure , coz somehow they are not faithful & think everybody is like them.

LESSON 9-He might cheat on you & still love you. I know some won’t agree but you need to analyze facts.

LESSON 10– YOU WONT DIE FROM A BREAK UP, IT WILL BE ANOTHER START UP OPPORTUNITY, What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

LESSON 11-SOME  LOVES STORIES ARE BEAUTIFUL BUT NOT ENDLESS LIKE IN THE BOOKS.

LESSON 12– it is not nice to dump someone brutally on the account that we don’t love them anymore (am guilty & if you are concerned hope you forgave me as much as I did those who fell out of love of me) . Mea Culpa

LESSONS 13-LOVE IS NOT THAT BLIND COZ BUT WE JUST DON’T WANT TO ACCEPT SOME SIGNS & KEEP HOPING… “Explanexcuses” – a naboulovism- ARE NO NOS;

LESSON 14-NEVER SHOW OR TELL HOW MUCH MONEY YOU MAKE. IN AFRICA MEN DON’T GENERALLY ENTER THEIR WIVES FINANCIAL RECORDS BUT EACH SITUATION IS DIFFERENT…YOU MIGHT PAY THE PRICE TOMORROW;

LESSON 15-MEN NOWADAYS  ARE SMART & RICH POWERFUL GUYZ ARE NOT ALWAYS THE MORE GENEROUS, BUT LIKE A GOLD DIGGER DIGS FOR DOLLARS HE DIGS FOR FREE EASY SEX…

LESSON 16– MEN DON’T HAVE GUILT FEELINGS

LESSON 17– CAN SOMEONE WHO HURT YOU VERY BADLY , CHEATED ON YOU, LIED TO YOU CAN GENUINELY BE YOUR FRIEND? TO forgive doesn’t mean to hold on a biased friendship.  DON’T send mixed messages ;

LESSON 18– NO RELATIONSHIP IS HERE TO HEAL YOU, You have to find the strength within you to sort your issues.

LESSON 19– TO BE SINGLE IS NOT SO BAD , BUT GIVE LOVE A CHANCE,  BE OPEN TO SHARE YOUR COMPLETE LIFE WITH ANOTHER .

LESSON 20– Cultural & religion differences are not so easy to embrace in Africa & different cultural point of views require a lot of “management’ & “compromise”. So listen to your mother once in a while.

LESSON 21– Commitment is not soo easy… Are you ready to be in a polygamous marriage? Will his children Love you? His mother is known to have a strong grip on him? Etc. It is not only about hearts & flowers …It is called real life.

LESSON 22-SOMETIMES LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. YOU LOVE HIM , HE LOVES YOU BUT YOU CAN’T SACRIFICE YOURSELF ON THE ALTAR OF LOVE.

LESSON 23– NOBODY IS WORTH SACRIFICING YOUR DREAMS; some people have issues WITH YOU BEING YOURSELF …And certainly someone will love you for being Your real self.

LESSON 24– Your Ex is by no mean your competitor, so celebrate & bless the fact that he has been in your life as a lesson .

LESSON 25-Unlike what society & culture is stressing upon us , to be single is not a disease & it is far much better to be  happily single than bitterly married or depressively in a relationship.

LESSON 26– COMMUNICATION IS KEY , ASSUMPTIONS MIGHT GIVE YOU HEADACHES? HEARTACHES, STOMACHACHES FOR NO VALID REASONS; ASK what you want to know.

LESSON 27– A person’s  unjustified negative behavior towards you is most of the time motivated by inbred issues from his background , education &/or personality.

LESSON 28 Sometimes the right person arrives at a wrong moment or is in the wrong situation… And when it’s the case do what is right for you.

LESSON 29-His friends & his family are not your friends & your family, they serve his interest not yours…

LESSON 30– A Cheap guy is a cheap guy & will be a cheap husband…Ditto. And many rich guys are cheap ooh.

GOD has a plan for you, so keep faith instead of living in the constant fear of being hurt, left, or even loved.

I would love it if you could share what you learnt from your Ex-periment …

“Be empowered because you are powerful “

©Naboulove

Le droit de Dire non!

Bizarre d’observer les remous crées par l’affaire Nafissatou Diallo versus DSK a New York dans les salons Africains  quand  on connait les statistiques Africaines notamment  la sinistre réputation mondiale de la RDC qui détient  le triste statut de pays le plus dangereux du monde pour une femme. Une fois de plus, nous Africains en général si aveugles , sourds et muets aux atrocités commises aux coins de nos rues, nous avons parlés, commentés, critiqués l’affaire en cours, créant des débats houleux entre personnes d’une même famille. Cependant, il ne s’agit pas ici de revenir sur les nombreux détails de l’affaire mais plutôt d’analyser les réactions des uns et des autres, notamment celles des Africains à travers le monde.

Lorsque les règles du jeu de la séduction ne sont pas respectées, ou que l’étape de la drague est inexistante, réduisant la femme a un simple objet sexuel on fait face a un délit grave qui dans de nombreux pays est juge au pénal. Et les Etats Unis sont un des pays qui condamne sévèrement le viol et le harcèlement sexuel –surtout quand le coupable est pauvre et ne peut s’offrir un ténor du barreau-.
Lors de séjours aux Etats Unis je ne comprenais pas très bien pourquoi les hommes fuyaient des le premier signe de résistance verbale ( alors qu’en Afrique le dragueur challengé se serait  se plié en quatre et affiné sa stratégie aux fins de faire céder sa proie). Une amie éclaira ma lanterne ,m’expliquant qu’une drague insistante peut juridiquement être assimilé a un « harcèlement » sexuel. Autres cieux, autres mœurs…

Néanmoins lorsqu’on entend et lis les nombreuses réactions des Guinéens de New York face à la situation de  la présumée victime Nafissatou Diallo on réalise que les mentalités Africaines n’évoluent pas beaucoup, même à 10.000 km … En effet l’un des responsable d’une association peule  – Ethnie à laquelle elle appartient- de New York condamne Nafissatou car « cela n’est pas correct pour une peule de travailler dans un hôtel« , je traduis en clair : si elle ne travaillait pas dans un hôtel , rien ne lui serait arrivé . Le Sieur va jusqu’à dire « qu’elle ne trouvera plus jamais de mari dans sa communauté », Ah ouais, c’est elle qui est la présumée victime mais c’est elle qui est stigmatisée. Comme quoi le bon vieux proverbe qui dit qu’un bout de bois pourra rester longtemps dans un marigot il ne deviendra jamais un crocodile trouve tout son sens. Mais l’intervient qui m’a le plus choquée est celle d’une dame représentante du RPG  (parti au pouvoir en Guinée) la condamne pour avoir sali l’image de la Guinée à l’étranger. Bel exemple de solidarité féminine! Ces commentaires surréalistes emanant de personnes qui auraient normalement dus la soutenir – au moins par patriotisme- font échos aux nombreux commentaires des Africains sur le net. Là aussi, le machisme prévalent dans nos sociétés condamne une fois de plus la femme Africaine. Elle est jugée, son apparence physique est décortiquée « femme assez jolie », son niveau d’éducation est évalué « quasi illettrée » etc. Et le fond du problème? Il passe presqu’au second plan. Cela me rappelle dans une certaine mesure, les multiples raisonnements sans queue ni têtes de certains et certaines –oui les femmes aussi – qui considèrent certaines victimes de viols comme les coupables :  » sa jupe était trop courte », « ses tenues sont sexy »  « son tissage est trop long » et autres absurdités qui confirment que nous avons un long chemin à parcourir avant que les femmes vivent une émancipation de fait sur le continent.
Et les femmes mariées victimes de viol conjugal? Et les nombreuses jeunes filles données en mariage a peine pubère et violées par leur soi disant époux et les centaines de milliers de femmes abusées en silence au vu et su de tous. Elles sont coupables aussi? Peu de voix s’élèvent pour commenter ces réalités de nos pays…
Alors, en revenant sur ce qui s’est passé ce jour là au Sofitel de New York , et en tenant compte de la législation en vigueur aux USA, même si les 2 protagonistes avaient été nus, le « NON » de Nafissatou aurait du être pris en compte (le cas échéant) par le coupable présumé… Donc que l’on soit nus, habilles, sexy ou pas , une femme a le droit de dire non à son partenaire, et ce dernier qui dispose d’un cerveau doit pouvoir se soumettre à la volonté de la femme. N’est ce pas cela la différence entre l’homme et l’animal? La maitrise, la réflexion bref l’utilisation du cerveau au delà des instincts!
La couverture du très sérieux time magazine du 30 Mai 2011 , motivé par la fameuse affaire en cours a  brisé un tabou avec un titre évocateur et controversé «  Qu’est ce qui fait agir les hommes de pouvoir comme des porcs ? ». Au final la plupart dans la plupart des cas évoqués, les hommes impliqués ont su manipulés le système et les médias pour continuer leur vie. Comme avant.  « Ces hommes dits « grands » ou de « pouvoir » pensent ils être au delà de ces règles élémentaires? En ce qui me concerne, je vois peu de différence entre les criminels qui sévissent impunément à l’Est de la RDC détruisant sans répit la vie des 48 femmes de 15 a 49 ans violées par heure – selon la dernière étude publiée début juin 2011 dans le journal américain de santé publique- et ces hommes détenteurs d’une certaine aura politique ou financière qui asservissent et détruisent la vie de nombreuses femmes dont les voix ne seront jamais entendues. Non mes sœurs vous n’avez pas à avoir honte et sachez que vous n’êtes pas responsable du manque de maitrise de certains être dont le comportement s’apparente plus à celui d’un animal sauvage en costume cravate. L’affaire Nafissatou Diallo- DSK a mis en lumière la perception biaisée  de la femme noire libre dans un pays étranger par sa propre communauté. A ce jour DSK est présumé innocent mais Nafissatou qui a osé parler et accuser est culpabilisée pour avoir fait entendre sa voix, privilège de peu de femmes d’Afrique. Alors au lieu de juger, observons et analysons les faits , et espérons que de nombreuses Nafissatou Diallo oserons briser le silence à l’avenir .
©Naboulove 2011 copyrighted

Article paru dans le magazine Kabibi Juil/Aout 2011

 

Be your husband’s mistress.

He chose you over other women to spend his life with him, to be the mother of his children & above all to be his companion through thick & thin so stop behaving like a shocked prude just because you belong to the « Wife » Club or as the title of Ekene Onu states as a member of the « Mrs Club ». So why do I write this, because I am angry with all my married sisters, friends etc. who give up the best part of their husband’s time to other women. Please stop telling me you hold hands in public but hardly have sex in private. It is wrong, You are the legitimate partner of your man & you owe each other breathless nights of torrid sex. Quit the religious crap you are hiding behind , sleeping at church or trying to replace an Islamic scholar. To be wild with your husband is Right. So instead of whining & complaining about his plenty “ghost” mistresses & girlfriends he seems to enjoy life with, stand up & #takeyourmarriageback. Every day you can decide to initiate a new start even after endless years of marriage. So since he is the man of your life, your one & only don’t end up bitter or looking for a lover to satisfy your needs (that is a sin, even if the lover is your pastor or a Malam lol). It’s easier to draw a plan, & decide to become your husband’s mistress. So if you were a “Desperate African Housewife” longing for hot steaming sex, here are few ideas on how to make a difference in the bedroom. And remember your man might seem surprised at first or a bit suspicious but hang on there , he is your husband, & since you are already the mother of his kids, there is no harm in also becoming his perfect mistress & sex partner.

Of course you can’t be alert 24/7 but please I don’t want you to give the man a chance outside of Home; you have the power , he has to come home every day, he has to eat your food & has to spend some time at home whether he likes it or not. So open your drawers & bring out all the sexy lingerie, aphrodisiacs, Kayan Mata, Béthios, Bin bins, etc. you have been buying always waiting for the best moment to use. Now is the time. So Mrs member of the Legitimate & legally Married Club , be ready to also be a very sexually satisfied wife.

1-    It’s not because he is your husband that you should take him for granted, so make yourself indispensable by listening to him, become his friend, & win his confidence. Stop being the reasonable judgmental bitchy wife once in a while so that he can freely share his thoughts with you, carelessly & freely. Be his lover, confidant & intellectual muse.

2-    Remember it is more than sharing a bed together or sleeping under the same roof, it is about making those moments unique once in a while (I know it can’t be everyday), reality is when you tell him about school fees etc. But indulge for some fantasies & dare to create mind blowing bedroom moments for your man. I am sure you have clear ideas of few fantasies but never dared… If you can’t be crazy with the man you share your life with, then don’t complain if sex is scarce… Forget about all our African taboos presenting the wife as a “pseudo saint”…Hell with that you also need to feel desired & create passion in your couple.

3-    Surprising Factor. Stop blabbing endlessly about your women’s gathering & gossip about the neighbor’s wife…cultivate mystery, be unpredictable & don’t let him always be able to read your thought. Have a life, a job, a passion, a hobby outside of him. Let him miss you, ask you question, wonder a bit about you & be surprised.

4-    You love your children unconditionally right? Try to give him that kind of love, without being a doormat, reconquer the intimacy you used to share together. Learn to trust him. If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t have married you. Don’t accept just any fool to come & bring your husband down. Trust, Intimacy, Respect are what you owe him. And whatever happens outside your home out of your knowledge or sight shouldn’t be any of your business as long as you are a respected , well taken care of wife.

5-    Never mention the other “woman” or “women” – if there are any- in an insane jealous way; the man is yours. Be subtle, strategic, mature & make him feel what he is missing at home by being attractive, sexy, nice & friendly. If you have a point to make, don’t be aggressive…COMMUNICATE don’t attack.

6-    Creativity/Innovation are keys , as you know men need excitement to awaken their senses, so don’t hesitate, tie him to the bed, use cufflings, feathers, massages. Suggest sex in a different room of the house or even in the bathroom, get out of that bed & innovate, initiate… Sexting about your underwear while you are at a dinner, or emailing him a kinky picture of you when he is away, don’t be shy. Describe to him the things you would love to do to hi in simple words, even by calling him at his office.

7-    Foreplay, majority of men love Blow Jobs, & am sure that many more African men would feel freer in bed with their wives if they showed a bit of kinkiness instead of playing the “preacher’s wife” role. Ice cream, Ice cube, chocolate, or even specially designed products are available. Use your head to spice the foreplays. Role playing . Why not? And stop that African sentence “ it’s for white people”. That is where you are mistaking Madam. Once again he is your MAN. Do your thang & have fun.

8-    Escape: Get out of home. Don’t tell me there are no hotels in your town, you don’t even need to leave town to make it hot. A change of environment can be an arousal factor. Why don’t you meet for a drink after his office hour & spend few hours in a hotel room. Revive it … And whenever you can a weekend out of town can rekindle a lot of things between you. Ask him daredevil…

9-    Make Over . You can wer anything when with your husband but forget about the wrapper & the Ankara dress. Buy short dresses that you will wear just for a dinner at home with him. A bit of lipstick, a new hairstyle, henna, red nail polish, lace, silk… Be a different woman , a woman exulting desire for her husband, happy to please him & ready for a sexual firework.

10- Awaken the 5 senses; I know am repeating myself but one can never stop saying it : It’s not only about sex, but also tease his taste buds , by cooking with new spices, or give him new Cocktails to drink, use different enticing fragrances on your body & also in your home , let him see a sexier you , a clean house, touch a soft skin, hear a nice lovely music –  Sexual Healing , I wanna sex you up-, have a gentle low sexy voice tone, & …

So you have the power so don’t let it slip away just because you are happy with the ring. Take charge, Make the move & be your husband’s Mistress.

“Be empowered because you are powerful”

©Naboulove

The Ugly menace of Rape in our society By Tunde Adeleye

In light of the recent armed robbery attack, and alleged raping of some of the 42 students of the Holy Rosary College, of Enugu state, around the Oke-Odo end of Sagamu-Benin Expressway during the Easter, it again underscores the disturbing recurring crimes prevalent in our society.

The issue of rape in Nigeria has long been a problematic one. Unfortunately for many years, it has been a trend which has continued unabated due to the ineffectual laws to hand out tougher and harsher prison sentences to perpetrators of such crimes in our society.

Little wonder that ongoing sexual abuse continues to be rampant in homes, schools and in the streets (the victims as young as 9 years old and the vile act usually committed by people the victims know and trust), many of which are unreported to the police giving the modicum amount of seriousness the case will receive.

On the surface, the sporadic events highlighting the issue of rape particularly when many girls are involved, brings to the fore a more deeper understanding of the sickening act.

With the way I view it, the police are powerless to stop the wave of attacks. Even the government, state or Federal seem reluctant to wage a relentless war on rapists, moreso when a « big man » with a big reputation is the perpetrator.

Hence, if we expect our legislators in the Nigerian National Assembly to pass laws to combat this crime, we will be bitterly disappointed to find out that it will amount to nothing.

Evidently, in Nigeria, rape is often not adjudged as a serious crime that warrants immediate judicial intervention (if any) and the eventual incarceration of the perpetrator of the crime. The case is simply swept under the carpet. No forensics done on the victim or the alledged perpetrator.
Even if the testimony of the victim is admitted, it is unlikely to see the light of day. The victim may even end up been chided for dressing too loosely to have aroused the sexual interest of the perpetrator.
Case closed, never to be reopened again regardless of any new evidence.
Be that as it may, rape, when it happens, is not necessarily about men exercising power over their powerless female victims. Sometimes it is beyond that, and altogether something that defies logic and human comprehension.

Since that is the case, it is plausible to state that it is a demonic activity and an uncontrollable force that has taken over the whole being of the perpetrator of the crime.

Haven’t we heard countless number of cases of incest, between father and daughter – mostly for ritualistic purposes to amass wealth? Undoubtedly it is a repulsive act that, even the daughter who is the victim, may not be aware of, having been subjected to incantations which would rob her memory of the sexual act.

The act may or may not be privy to
the wife of the perpetrator. In all, the victim may never have the opportunity to marry, as potential male suitors would be put off for one reason or the another, with the girl unable to figure out the reason behind such rejections

Notwithstanding her present state of mind, whether conscious or unconscious, the psychological trauma will be heavily weighted and engraved on the minds of the affected victims for life. Only a sustained dose of many years of counseling for the victims, is ever likely to be a source of treatment to overcome or alleviate such deep rooted traumas.

In many rape cases, such as the documented rape story, and orgy killings,
(Remember the 50 hapless people that were forced to lie down on the floor at gun point, and trampled upon by a luxurious bus on the Benin-Ore some years back?)
such occurrences are unquestionably necessitated by the need to fuel and re-fuel the demonic sacrifices for which the stupendous wealth of the so called « big men » in our society is derived from.
And yes, it is unmistakably true that this assertion unfortunately includes
some of the lawmakers you would expect to effect a real change in our society by enacting and enforcing laws that protects the human rights – particularly those of women and children – life, property, etc.
Undeniably, we live in a wicked world, where love, respect and kindless is fast becoming a rare commodity. It is at its lowest ebb. In fact, it is taking society back to the barbarian dark ages where the sanctity of live means nothing to anyone anymore.
Regardless, this is not to suggest that we should give up on the fight against societal ills. We simply need to recognize that majority of societal ills are perpetrated by sick individuals who have mortgaged their souls to the devil. Making a concerted effort to engage these people is akin to using a feather to kill a poisonous reptile.

No doubt, activism through NGO’s and the media is one way to go about it. This would merely bring it to the limelight. In the main, effective laws to stem the incessant attacks, as well as prosecute sexual offenders is another major step in the right direction that needs to be taken.

However, effective prayers to arrest the lamentable trend of crimes in our society still holds the key. We delude ourselves if we think otherwise.

Tunde  Adeleye

Wake up TO REALITY , it was just an ILLUSION…

Before meeting men & women meant having had a physical contact or an exchange face to face. Now (since myspace etc)  & more so NOW (in the last two years) with new meeting points, such as facebook, bbm, skype, msn , etc. etc. You meet people in a different way, establish regular exchanges ( innocent or naughty) & it happens that some think they have met they Mr Perfect . Puleeeze , it’s not because he sends you a suggestive message once in a while (even though on a regular length of time) that you have a boyfriend or a husband to be. Nonetheless Madam if you are married or involved elsewhere it is wrong to cross some limits with a stranger. (kinky pictures exchange, cybesex , webcaming etc.); Ok it can be fun & very good for your ego if you know how & when to stop. But if you keep entertaining that kind of virtual kinky “relationship” don’t run away when the man takes his car or plane to come & make things happen for real. Regarding the single sisters or the ones in no particular attachment, make sure that you don’t  fall into the “illusion relationship” trap otherwise you might end up disillusioned (90% of the case). If you are having fun then fine but keep in mind the fact that what is going on here on Facebook, Blackberry, Skype, MSN , Whatsapp or any other social network  with someone you never met is not the REALITY of a couple but merely an ILLUSION. And it will be so until one of you take the decision to meet each other & try develop a certain friendship (otherwise you might just be fucking partner ) . Please open your eyes & don’t get emotionally overwhelmed by  a “virtual” lover. The only time when I think it could be useful is as a rebound boyfriend, if you think you can master your emotions.  And don’t make the move to go see him, unless you happen to have something relevant to do in his area. If he really wants to meet you, he will take a step & if he doesn’t spare your emotional overflow for someone that will think that being with you is more than just virtual sex satisfying an endless need for excitement. He might even had been entertaining  several relationships of that type not only with you but other women as well. I will not mention online dating because I don’t really have a clear knowledge of it & honestly I don’t know if we Africans really believe in it but regarding social media , I know that everyday millions of people engage in virtual kinky talks. A last one to my African brothers out there: please stop asking single women while chatting with them if they want to play or get serious, because you all know the answer- . And Ladies it’s not because he said he wants to marry you that he is Mr Right. Marriage , a relationship is more than a name behind a phone or a computer, it is a commitment, and a very serious one,  not a mere twisted illusion fueled by conversations. Feelings are to be taken seriously so have a clear analysis of what you feel  for that unknown charming  distant but so close person & will realize that is more infatuation or lust than love or even basic like.

“Be Empowered because you are powerful”

©Naboulove