Naboulove power series 3:Exercise your unlimited power of choice

Exercise your unlimited power of choice

« Man’s power of choice enables him to think like an angel or a devil, a king or a slave. Whatever he chooses, mind will create and manifest » Frederick Bailes

Choice is a life defining factor, & a complex process hidden behind simplistic actions.  As a matter of fact each decision made – generally consciously- affect our lives in a minor or major way.  Each decisive questions’ answer is more like a verdict than a choice in a certain way.  Our selection often determinates our future in life. Should I marry him even though I don’t really love him but I want a husband? Should I resign to accept that job offer? Should I stay or should I go when I am in an unhealthy relationship? Choice is the factor that guides us through life’s labyrinth & either gets us stuck in confusion or get out of it. The power of choice lies in accepting its consequences & adapt along the way. The professional choices I made  have had a positive impact on my career & I don’t regret them.  But they took me far away from my roots, my culture, my family , my friends. The nomadic lifestyle inherited from my genes has become “the story of my life. Now I am sure you must think: why don’t you go back?  Because that decision itself needs a lot of reflection in my current life situation. And the process to make a decision about it is not soo simple. Am I ready to change country & start a life all over? Tough choice.

CHOOSING ACCORDING TO A  PROCESS

What do I have here?  What are my options?  What would be the consequences? Not only for me but for my children & for the people who work for me? Am I ready to live with the consequences of my choice. Can I be selfish & only focus on the positive for myself ,  versus the negative ways it could affect people around me..Can I handle the negative regardless of the positive outcome. Somehow I can can delay the decision but sooner or later I will not be in a position to ignore & proceed. There is a common example in Afirca that I love taking, it’s that it is not often that Generals take over in military coup. Captains are more spontaneous, they act & then they think. And they do succeed in becoming Heads of States even if it’s for a short time. If they had spent time like me measuring pros & cons, they certainly would have never done it. LOL…

So in the process, intuition, might beat logic & logic might stop you from reaching your life purpose & final goal. So think wisely , but don’t put too much rhetoric & mathematics in the procedure. But listen to your instinct. That little voice inside of us is one of our more valuable asset.  Other people’s advices can be interesting , depending who. Sometimes people who don’t know us can give us the best orientation because they talk with any prejudice. Anyway the final choice, the steps are yours to take, once you have integrated all data & digested them, the light “Eureka” will appear in front of you. Give a chance to the process, & exercise what psychologists  & philosophers call your free will.

I’ve realized that being happy is a choice. You never want to rub anybody the wrong way or not be fun to be around, but you have to be happy. When I get logical and I don’t trust my instincts – Thats when I get in trouble. Angelina Jolie

Free WILL an abstract notion

I smile when I reread the previous sentence. Our free will being conditioned by so many exogenous factors : our education, our family background , our religion, our  environment. But somehow the doers, those who contribute to the changes in the world, just follow their inner voice regardless of all the above cited. Galileo said that planet earth  was round when all the scholars then cursed him as heretic. The plane, the great discoveries we find so natural resulted from the persistence of men & women who often defied logic to follow their intuition … Even though their work was based on scientific researches. So we sure have control over our will power but do we really have free will ?

“At fifteen life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice”. Maya Angelou

UNLIMITED POWER OF CHOICES

As human beings, we are endowed with freedom of choice, and we cannot shuffle off our responsibility upon the shoulders of God or nature. We must shoulder it ourselves. It is our responsibility. Arnold J. Toynbee

Few lessons were learnt or should I say gathered throughout my so eventful little  life:

-No Choice is a choice.

-When destiny chose for me even if at first I was depressed it always ended up being a blessing in disguise.

– We live up with the consequences of our decision. And no matter what there are two points of view: It can be great to stay in bed but we shouldn’t be surprised if we can’t make ends meet. We made that choice. We can either decide to start or continue thinking about it…Between the idea & the reality , One step is action. Action resulting from a conscious choice.

-To see a glass of water half empty or half full is also up to us. So the lens through which we see life is up to us. Happiness is more a choice according to me. My personal opinion.

-Choice leverages change , it can be a short term or a long term one.

-There is a big difference between Action , Reaction & Status Quo.

-You can move with the flow or go solo, your power

-Beware of the seeds of your decision. The good or bad will vary from where it rooted: : love, anger ,fear ,frustration ,joy. Pleasure is not happiness . So YOUR CHOICE …

– The right or the wrong varies according to a point of view. Your point of view is what counts as long as it’s morally ethical. Sorry no free will when you want to commit unlawful act. Conscious rules. We are humans, we know what is right from what is wrong even though the wrong seems better for you.

–  Action is not only involved when you choose but also thoughts, feelings , vibrations & energy shift. They are variables that will affect your options. So meditate, rflect & think about it without being obsessed. You might be surprised the Choice will just pop up in your head.

LIFE= SUM OF CHOICES

What is life now? Our parents choices, our habits – automated unconscious choices- . If my mum never sent me to UK & US –almost against my will- for English summer sessions when I was a teenager, would I have written in English? Not sure. If my kids were not born in US would they be US citizens? So my mum chose for me & I chose for my kids & my life & their lives will be affected somehow by these choices. However to own your choices , to master them, nurture them, endorse wisely their consequences  creates a sense of responsibility . And we are powerful when we don’t let the past, circumstances, negative feelings or other people rob our right to chose regardless of the past.

Life is now stop waiting for that perfect moment that will never come to just do that choice. Always go for what you « want », and not what others « want » for you…Only you and not others will live with the it at the end of the day  🙂 And whatever your decision , There is always another choice… A word is enough for the wise.

“You’ve got the power”

“Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved”. William Jennings Bryan

©Naboulove

In love « with somebody else’s guy »? by Nabou Love

« You are somebody else’s guy… »YY

Remember the hit of the 80’s by Jocelyn Brown:

“You are the one who makes me feel soo real…but …you are somebody else’s guy…what am I supposed to do?

The one and only advice we usually hear or read is: “move on sister!”; “Give the man a break!” ; “ he doesn’t deserve you” etc. easier said than done.right? How many women followed that advice?  How many? No official figures? Ok.

You “ don’t want to let  go “ at that time, “you are not ready yet” .Hun; you just want to know how to live at peace with yourself  when in such a relationship.

What are you looking for?

The fear of loneliness coupled with a modern life where women tend to be more independent and liberated contributed to a new deal… Modern African women with a European or American cultural and educational background would not accept being involved with somebody else’s guy, but on the other hand, after 30 years old they tend to compromise into such a relationship that could be tagged as complicated.  What is their ultimate motive? money? Security through the claim of being somebody’s woman? Sex? Or is it just companionship & friendship? The woman chasing for her way out of dependence often sacrifices her personal life towards her professional accomplishments. A professional Gold-digger is in constant search for Mr. Richer, forgetting that Rich doesn’t automatically match with generous. She might be always going for the seemingly better, richer guy & surprisingly often ends up with the “Bling bling apparently rich 419 brother”. Some sisters will just go for the nice not so free handsome man who if she is lucky just has one wife but who most of the time has an official wife, some unofficial ones , mistresses and  toygirlz,  all of them cohabitating against each others will. And Super Sister falls in the trap thinking & hoping that she will change the Man and turn the situation to her advantage. Wrong assessment. But let’s continue: above all, there is Mr. Right, the guy of your dream  whose negative sides r mostly bearable (now I assume the fact that you all know that Mr. Perfect is a Myth), he seems to understand you &  you feel a strong bond , he takes you to seven heaven with the tip of his fingers. He also entertains you with  great conversations & responds to your emotional & financial needs.

But.

But what?

But he has a woman in his life, he is “somebody else’s guy”. Nobody’s perfect? Right! Are you ready for that emotionally straining relationship? You think you are , you think of yourself as a “strong woman”.Let’s see how strong is strong when love is involved? It reminds me of one my girl who kept repeating all the time “ I am not jealous, I knew the situation from day 1” & then  one day comes back to me tearful , depressed & hurt whenever he is not available for her ”-can you imagine?  , he told me he is going on holiday with his wife, it is so unfair!!!  Really? is it? Who was playing Mars Cool & Strong, I master the game, my emotions are under control? And then you admit “-I didn’t know it would be sooo painful. Sob.sob. Yes you knew, you just got the wrong perception. But again this is in the case you knew from the beginning.

What if he never told you he was indeed married, engaged or living with somebody? And the day you find out, you fall off your pedestal, filled with anger, frustration, pain & disappointment. But know you know, & it is your choice to stay or go. If you have the guts to leave, you will suffer for some time and then overcome the pain. But you chose to stay, thinking if he is with you, it’s because something was missing in the comfort zone. Misconception sister! You got it wrong once more; But you are already in and you are lonely and you’d rather be in a bad relationship than alone. So what to do to live harmoniously with yourself & others in such a relationship?

There are rules to find your balance here, if you decided to stay (nobody is forcing you, because you have the choice all along, & the sooner you leave the better, it’s never too late to step back). You are in love (?), he makes you feel so good, and you cultivate hope. Ok so this is your survival guide in 10 essentials steps to respect for your mental wellbeing:

1-Never allow him to discuss or even complain about the woman who shares his life; he chose her to live with him, he spends the night with her, so he owes her respect & privacy, as much as he owes it to you. And remember, her business is none of yours.

2-Never try to meet, call or interact with her in any way, don’t allow anyone to come & give you info or gossip about her. Remember? You are the snatcher here so keep a low profile & play your part.

3-Love yourself more than your relationship with him, make yourself a priority, don’t change your life or habit s for him. Little reminder: he is “somebody else’s guy.

4-Do not  complain, nag, or ask for more than he can give, hey sister, the guy is not yours & it is no news as you have decided to commit yourself  in total awareness of the situation.

5-Beware of his entourage; his family or friends seem to like you; maybe because you are buying their affection or friendship. They are his people not yours & they will never support you. So, be polite & courteous, but avoid familiarity with them.

6-Take & Enjoy what he is giving you in terms of time, love, friendship, sex, For as long as it lasts, it was your choice, sooo endorse it and appreciate whatever you get out of that relationship to make it profitable to you.

7-Be discreet, he is not your Man, then stop advertising him all over thinking that it is a way of securing your position (which position by the way?); you might just end up losing him, he might just start avoiding you and go back to his Woman (the choice is clear here); or go for a underground relationship with another one on his waiting list. L So don’t take him to your parents, friends, etc. Let him be your “Myster”-y man, the same way you are his Mystery-stress© (lol) or Mistress…And don’t even start thinking you won a BATTLE over his current status when he takes you out in public. Reality=You are always the Loser.

8-Don’t expect things to change & bear the weight of your cross. He will most likely remain in his comfort zone & keep you in the backstage for as long as you can take it.

9-Open your eyes & your heart, there is somebody out there for you so never consider him like your last stop, create opportunities to move on.

10-Don’t depend on him emotionally, nor materially, otherwise you are in jail for a long time…

 

You might ask me: “what if he marries me as a second wife?” Then just prepare yourself to being second, but still perform your wifely duty correctly while keeping in mind those advices. If you have children then concentrate on them, if not concentrate on your work or on your hobbies and always keep in mind that you always have a choice. But whatever your choice is, never consider yourself as the Victim because you are not; she is, no matter what! So now you know more or less “what you are supposed to do”…Anything to add?

 

©Nabou Love 2009